Words I Write.
Greener
Having anxiety means I’m always worrying about 20 steps ahead or romanticizing 20 steps behind me. Like a lot of people, it can be hard for me to disconnect from that defense mechanism to truly enjoy the moment I’m in. I feel like I’m constantly preparing for catastrophe or remembering […]
The Gifts of Anorexia
“Amor fati” is the philosophical concept of seeing everything that happens in your life (including suffering, loss, and hardship) as good or, at the very least, necessary. In Latin, amor fati translates to “love of fate” or “love of one’s fate.” Basically, everything that happens to us is among the […]
Getting By With (A Lot Of) Help From My Friends
This was the first week I spent in my new apartment. I started out on a bit of an adrenaline high adjusting to my new space and enjoying the freedom that living alone affords. Then Wednesday night hit, and I suddenly became aware of the reality of my aloneness. So […]
Break
I was 18 the first time I got my heart broken. I remember finally understanding what that English teacher (who I reference all the time) meant when he said that the meaning behind “broken heart” is often lost in modern society. I’d been hurt before, but I had never experienced […]
Stop That Spiral. Stop It Right Now.
There are times when I really feel the growth I’ve achieved in terms of my mental wellness (and overall health). And then there are times when I fall right back into my destructive habits and think, “What the fuck? What happened to all that effort I was putting in?” That […]
(Don’t) Save Me
I grew up on a steady diet of Disney movies, 90s chick flicks and, being a creative mind and hopeful romantic, a barrage of my own fantasies. Like many women (and people in general), I became conditioned by the idea that my relationships were the most critical factor in my […]
Bodies Are Hard But That’s Okay
Last Monday, I went to the doctor and learned my BMI is in the “healthy” category again. At the time I was psyched because it meant I was finally at a healthier weight again…but then Friday came and I panicked because it finally sunk in that the news meant I […]
Yes, Everyone “Does” Vulnerabilty. No, You Can’t Decide You Don’t.
The first time I watched one of Brene Brown’s shame-resilience TED Talks was the first time I felt I truly understood where so many of my struggles with anxiety came from. I remember going home to Boyfriend and talking about what I’d learned, to which he flat-out replied, “I don’t […]
Naming Anorexia: Damn It, I Have to Wear a Bathing Suit Next Month
Boyfriend and I are going to Cancun next month, which means I will essentially be spending a week on the beach. Which means a week of bathing suits. I can’t remember the last time I wore a bathing suit in public. It’s probably been over a year, partially because I […]